“Five Guys is testing milk shakes with mix-ins, and one of the mix-ins is bacon.”
Wait at least seven seconds, while looking at this chart.
Now, choose one of these predetermined responses, which by my calculations are the only possible reactions to the news:
1. Those five clever guys have blown the doors off the milk shake category with this revolutionary concept of adding bacon to an ice cream product.
2. Bacon is funny. Haha. No, I would not like to try some.
3. I would try it right now, standing right where I am today. I would drink it all. I cannot have enough bacon in my life/gut.
4. I suppose it’s interesting but I don’t want meat in my shake.
5. It’s been done, but okay. I bet they do a good job with it.
6. Are we still talking about bacon? I’m bored.
If you answered #1, you’re possibly not paying very much attention to the fast food category, which means your personality type is “spacey enthusiast.”
If you’re saying your answer is #2, then your barometer for when a joke has run its course is very broken, and you probably listen to classic rock stations that play the same 20 songs every day without explanation or apology. Your personality is “friendly but insensitive.”
Three, I gotta respect. Your personality type is “unwavering obsessive” and that probably isn’t limited to bacon. Rock on, although I’m hoping said rock isn’t segueing right now between .38 Special and Skynyrd, with “More Than A Feeling” by the fresh new faces of Boston coming up after the commercials to kick off another ten song rock block.
Number #4 answerers are probably healthy and often have the expression on their face like they smell something rotting. Their personality type is “restrained conservative.”
Number #5, you’re probably the most well-adjusted person on this test. Because you’re right, bacon is done to death, but yeah, these five fellows know a thing or two about bacon and serving food people like. So your personality type is “fully aware yet tolerant optimist.”
But Number #6, you have the most of my sympathy. When I wrote this article for Food & Drink magazine, then recycled it for the blog, then recycled it for my book, the guy helping me keep my book on track—friend of the blog Adam—wondered aloud, “Hasn’t the bacon thing run its course?” And because there’s good advice in that Food & Drink article besides making bacon jokes, I said, ”Maybe, but I think it’s still got good advice besides making bacon jokes.” And his expression back at me translated as, “I disagree, but I’ve made my point, and since I’m a Fully Aware Yet Tolerant Optimist then I guess I just gotta let you do what you wanna do.” That was over a year ago. I’d probably still put the list in the book, but that’s because #6 personality types are kind of lazy sometimes. But overall, today, I’m bored with all the bacon jokes I used to find amusing.
Sorry, Personality Type #2. I am.
I bet Personality Types #1, #3, and #5 would drive with you to a location where Five Guys is testing this, and you guys could jam to Foreigner 8-track tapes all the way there.